Step Two, and Some Drama, And Eagles
While I understand that a lot of people see their blogs as an on-line diary, it has always seemed like too public a forum for sharing personal things that…you know…I don’t want anyone with access to wifi to know. In person, I’m an “it’s all on the table” kinda gal, but this on line stuff is just a little freakier. (and Hi Mom!)
BUT I wanted to just tell you this ONE little story. I saw that wince! Don’t worry. It won’t hurt.
So…five years ago I got separated, and then divorced, from the man that I believed was the man of my dreams – the One, the person God had intended me to be with, my Lobster, et al. The reasons for my marriage ending involve more people than just me, so won’t be discussed here, but I will say this: He isn’t a bad guy. I’m not a bad girl. For a lot of reasons, it didn’t work.
And that just about killed me –
Not to put too fine a point on it.
I am not unaware or delusional enough to think I had it worse than anyone else, because I know that I didn’t. But I have always been a person who feels things rather…intensely. Both the good and the bad. I laugh hard and often, I care deeply and about a lot of things, I have passionate opinions about things that are occasionally random, and when things hit me, they hit me hard. (to illustrate: I recently came across a diary from grade ten (the year is neither relevant to the story, nor flattering) – that included poetry written about my “love soaring like an eagle”, dedicated to a guy I initially couldn’t remember but then recollected dating for about 2 weeks. And while I have certainly, at least for the sake of this public forum, grown past the whole poetry thing, I do still feel things deeply).
At the same time I moved into a new position at work. One that I loved, and continue to love, but that brought with it a hugely steep learning curve, new pressures, new responsibilities (and big ones) and stress. Which was GREAT. And was perfect timing – my days were so full that there was no room for anything else.
Gradually I started to look at ways I could reinvent myself (SUCH a cliche!). One incarnation was to start a side business baking and selling dog biscuits. Got all the stuff – recipes, ingredients, cute little dog biscuit cookie cutters, packaging – and then remembered that I HATE baking. Really. Hate it. Plus my kitchen is the size of a trailer kitchen.
(On an unrelated note – Usedvictoria is GREAT for getting rid of stuff)
I have been on a lot of self discovery journeys over my life – I’m sure we all have – but none have been as powerful or as deep rooted as these last few years. There was a lot of learning – some good, some not so, and most just learning. And I came out the other side. I go out again – of the house, I mean – enjoy life, laugh, love – all that stuff. BUT some blasted bad habits have remained from The Dark Time that have proven hard to break. One that was successfully UNformed was smoking. I smoked for 18 years, quit for three, started again when marriage ended (cause “that’ll teach him”) and quit again a year ago. Step one.
I’m not sure what Step Two is, except I know it involves finding my own path to being healthy. And there’s something in there about gardening. And work. And meeting a nice man. And laughing a whole lot on the way.
One excellent lesson I’ve learned: was talking about how I really wanted to garden, if only I wasn’t renting and a friend said “Why wouldn’t you just enjoy the process for what it is? The outcome is the outcome, and that can be great, too, but you have to enjoy the process.”
I want to do that. To enjoy the process.
The process of Step Two.
It would be a privilege if you chose to join me.