Really, really tired.
My friend says that’s a boring word, and she’s probably right, but all words can’t be scintillating. Some are just accurate and blunt in their truthfulness. And the truth is, I am exhausted.
My mom is sick – she was really sick and in hospital and now she’s home (well, working, cause that’s what she does, but she’s SUPPOSED to be home) doing various tests and awaiting surgery. First one scary surgery, then more tests, and another scary surgery. Most of the time she’s ok, spirit-wise. She has complete faith in God and trusts Him to heal her. My faith has been shaken recently and while I still wholeheartedly believe in God, I have a tough time trusting Him to take care of anything. I can do it myself, thanks. Only this, I can’t.
On top of that, Mom doesn’t live in the same city as I do and travelling to see her costs a lot of money that I don’t have. So that sucks. I try to hear her positive attitude on the phone and let it seep into me, but it only coats the surface. Underneath, the fear and doubts remain.
At the same time that mom went into the hospital, I moved into a new position at work. One with much more responsibility, and that I love, but that I also feel the weight of.
The weight of both these things makes me tired.
There are some things that I know would make me feel better – going to the gym being at the top of that list – but even changing into the requisite clothing seems like too much.
So instead I read. Sit in the sun. Garden. And try to sleep.
And wait for this to pass.